"The IQ of room temperature..."

I heard somebody's intelligence described in that way recently, and it made me laugh. It also made me think of myself. Here's the deal: occasionally I get bored late at night. In Pennsylvania this problem was usually solved by pranking Mom and Dad in some way when they're exhausted and trying to go to bed. When I lived in Virginia I once decided to go for a walk late at night. This seemingly innocuous idea ended up with me hiding behind a tree in somebody's yard with the dog going crazy and the homeowner trying to figure out what the commotion outside was all about. Then there was the time I got ditched by my friends on the roof of the old burnt-out hotel we were exploring because the cops showed up. A couple weeks ago I found some of those plastic zip ties. I brought a few home thinking they might come in handy if I ever needed to restrain an intruder until the police arrived. Obviously I had to confirm that they were suited to this purpose (late at night of course). Using my teeth I tightened that sucker down on both wrists, and was able to positively confirm that yes- zip ties make great restraints. Lucky for me my toolbox was right in the coat closet. Unfortunately I found that front end nippers aren't easily manipulated when you're holding them between your knees.

Around midnight last night the boredom again struck, and I decided to go outside and review technical rope skills in the tree outside my apartment. There's a big Oak tree in the few feet between the building and the parking lot, and it's a little ways off the sidewalk so I hoped to remain unnoticed. I mean, it was the middle of the night- who in their right mind would be up and about at that hour? Well for some odd reason the boredom apparently wasn't limited to Apartment 78A- several of my neighbors decided it was time to go out. The first guy out got into his car right on the other side of the fence from where I was crouched. He couldn't see me, but the rope dangling down near the side of the building was clearly visible above the fence. The car started- I tensed and waited, causing the rope I was already tethered into to wiggle some more. The car door opened again and he got out. Game's up, I thought- but no- he got back in and drove off. A few minutes later I was 25 feet off the ground and feeling smug about my extreme stealthiness when the flashing lights of a squad car cruised down the road and slowed in front of my building. The officer pulled onto my street and stopped, and I just knew that sneaky low-down neighbor of mine had called in a report of a burglary in progress at my apartment complex. Amazingly though, I realized that the cop wasn't there for me. He was actually pulling somebody over.

At this point I'd had enough of the drama. It was time to switch over from my ascenders to a rappel and get back inside before my rap device earned me an actual rap sheet. Technically I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I highly doubt whether anyone would have believed me. I know I wouldn't have. I'd have nodded and smiled, then dialed 911 asap. "Hello 911? I'd like to report a white male, late 20's, near the roof of the apartment building...." I was just starting to rappel when another guy came out. No problem, I was well up in the tree and I'd just wait for him to leave and then continue. The only hitch in my plan was that he wouldn't leave. He got something out of his trunk, threw some trash in the dumpster, had a smoke leaning against the side of his car, talked on his cell phone, went back to the dumpster. You get the idea. The minutes dragged on as I hung limply from my harness, maintaining tension on the Munter Hitch I was using to rappel. I finally decided I didn't want to be there all night and determined to shoot for a fast rappel while his back was turned. I made it down a few feet, just below the cover of the leaf canopy, when his girlfriend decided to come out and join the fun. I mean, what better place and time to have an argument with your significant other than in the parking lot of your apartment complex at midnight, right? So much for my get-away plan. His back was to me, but she was facing directly towards me. Not only that, but she too had a cigarette, and was doing that thing smokers do, where they take a long drag on the cigarette and then tilt their head back to blow the smoke up in the air. She was looking RIGHT AT ME. I hung there silent and motionless, wishing I had the power to disappear. An 11 millimeter static line isn't much to hide behind. I was fully prepared for the inevitable at any second- a scream followed by- "oh my gosh there's a BODY HANGING FROM THAT TREE!" I had no particular desire to be tied up (har har) in a homicide investigation any more than a burglary.

I couldn't go back up- too much movement and noise to rig the ascenders. I couldn't go down- if they didn't' believe my story I'd be spending the night downtown answering questions. Even if they did believe me, it would still be my most embarrassing moment ever ("how long have you been up there listening to us?" etc. You get the idea).

There's a malady among climbers and cavers called Harness Hang Syndrome (HHS). The basic idea is that as long as you're moving around in a harness, you're fine, but if you hang motionless you will go into hypovolemic shock, lose consciousness and die, sometimes within mere minutes. It's actually true: http://www.texasroperescue.com/library/Harness%20Hang%20Syndrome.htm. Now I don't want to alarm anybody, but this entire post is a dramatization of a silly predicament, so why not go all the way with it. I'm not exactly saying I was at death's door, but I will say that I was not comfortable. The minutes felt like hours. My legs and back were tense and aching, and my arm was tired from holding tension on the rappel. Every time I loosened my grip even a little I'd slide down the rope another inch or two, causing the branch to which the rope was anchored to shake.

For some inexplicable reason I escaped detection. The argument ended with the dude storming off and his girlfriend following. Needless to say I wasn't waiting around to see if they'd come back or who else would show up. I staged an immediate extraction from the roof of the laundry room- I retrieved my gear and made a beeline for my apartment, slamming the door with a euphoric feeling that I had gotten very very lucky. Maybe I wasn't actually as exposed as I felt. Fortunately I had hauled up the tail end of the rope below me- I'm sure that would have been a dead giveaway. And I gotta say it was pretty cool acting all special ops commando with my black gloves and technical gear. It felt like those old war movies where the good guys swoop in from above on the ignorant and unsuspecting guards enjoying a cigarette down below.

Did I learn a valuable lesson from this? You bet- I'm going to bed at 9:30 tonight.